B&Q Job Application

I am sure that working in HR you have read many a strange and funny application, This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75 year old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells . They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bugger)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will co-operate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

We know this has been doing the rounds for years but it is a classic! What is the funniest thing you’ve ever read on an application form? Please do share it with us.

Work Place Bullying: Are you a victim?

What do you think when Sir Alan Sugar makes a derogatory remark towards a potential Apprentice? When Simon Cowell cuts Louis Walsh and his Acts to ribbons on the X-Factor how do you react? Depending on your view of the high waisted trouser wearer it is normally with a rye smile or a boo. Yet in another work place Cowell’s remarks could be seen as bullying behavior.

The government defines work place bullying as follows: "Bullying includes abuse, physical or verbal violence, humiliation and undermining someone’s confidence." You are probably being bullied if, for example, you’re:

constantly picked on
humiliated in front of colleagues
regularly unfairly treated
physically or verbally abused
blamed for problems caused by others
always given too much to do, so that you regularly fail in your work
regularly threatened with the sack
unfairly passed over for promotion or denied training opportunities
Bullying can be face-to-face, in writing, over the phone or by fax or email.

Well Mr Cowells treatment of Louis Walsh scores on point 1,2,3 and 4. Okay it’s all in the name of entertainment but workers across the UK suffer from bullying in all its horrid forms.

A UNISON survey estimated that up to 5 million people are bullied at work in the UK. The net result of this is 18.9 million work days lost to the distress and pain caused.

The Andrea Adams Trust is the world's only non-political, non-profit making charity operating as the focus for the diverse and complex problems caused by bullying behaviour in the workplace. They offer this advice to anyone who thinks they are being bullied:

- Find out if your employer has a policy and procedures on harassment and bullying and obtain a copy
- Stand calm and firm and do not allow yourself to be a target
- Do not become isolated, seek immediate support and advice
- Keep a record of all incidents which cause you distress or are undermining – log dates and details and write down your feelings after each such occurrence together with your own response - Try to get witnesses to bullying incidents by avoiding situations where you are alone with the bully
- Do not take action alone. Make an appointment with your company harassment advisor and seek their guidance and support
- Talk to colleagues and see if they are experiencing the same treatment as you.
- Follow the company grievance procedures with the help and support of your Harassment Advisor, Personnel or Union officers
- Keep your complaint as objective as possible so that you can’t be accused of filing the complaint out of malice or ambition
- Make an appointment with your doctor and tell them what is happening to you at work. Follow medical instructions and get signed off if necessary
- If counselling is available at work make an early appointment to talk through your experience
- Talk to friends and family for emotional support

2008: HR's 'Most Influential

Now in its third year, HR's Most Influential ranking has been created using a new methodology. The ranking was unveiled on the 3rd June at an event based at London’s Claridge’s. For full details on the report and to see who has been voted the most influential and why, visit Human Resources website.

HR Assistant: Fashion Jewellery Retailer - Job of Week

DCK Concessions is a worldwide leading fashion jewellery retailer, trading across 22 countries from Iceland to Canada with one of the largest design, sourcing and buying teams for fashion jewellery. Due to expansion, they are currently looking for a HR Assistant to join the team:

• Support the HR team in all aspects of recruitment and retention as well as in the provision of the induction, pay review and probationary review processes
• Assist in the provision of appropriate advice and support to managers on employee issues
• Undertake a variety of HR administration duties, including creation of contractual documents, company car fleet and company benefits such as Private Healthcare

To be successful as their HR Assistant you will ideally be studying towards or want to commence CIPD studies and have previous experience gained in a busy generalist HR environment. You should also have excellent communication and interpersonal skills at all levels, be highly organised and have the ability to work on your own initiative.

In return, they offer you:
• A competitive salary • Private health care • Personal pension • Discount card for key high street brands • DCK Concessions can offer you the opportunity to join a successful and developing business situated in modern offices within walking distance of rail links and with free parking.

DCK Concessions lead the way in directional jewellery as well as essentials and younger novelty items. They continuously strive to remain ahead of their competitors and always offer their customers fashion forward products and excellent value.

Apply here for the HR Assistant Role / £17 - £20k + benefits / Essex